


Okay

by autym73



Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: Bulimia, Denial, Depression, Eating Disorders, F, Helplessness, Implied Suicide Attempt, Sadness, Self Harm, Spiraling, implied suicide, tags suck, this boy is not okay, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:29:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22427869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autym73/pseuds/autym73
Summary: Payton's okay.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	Okay

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Abuse, Eating Disorders, Self Harm, and Suicidal Thoughts.
> 
> Request from benplatter on tumblr. I enjoyed writing this ^_^

Payton is starting to think that politics isn't good for him.

When he thinks back, it started in 8th grade. That's when he figured out that your early education affects your future in many ways. He got good grades before, but to succeed he needed better grades. He ended up overworking himself, but thats whats needed to get to his goal. He spent long hours into the night studying, and by doing so ended up with bad insomnia. He also accidentally skipped meals, which sometimes turned into purposefully skipping meals. And just because he purged once after eating too much at a family gathering doesn't mean he has an eating disorder. (Right? A voice in his head asks, but he ignores it.)

That's also around the time when McAfee and James started treating him as a boss or leader rather than a friend. Telling him what to do, planning every movement needed to achieve their goal. Payton knows that it isn’t their fault he feels used by them. Its what he wanted. In order to accomplish their goal, Payton needs to learn how to shove aside any form of weakness or vulnerability. Repress anything that would possibly mess up his plan. A normal person would find that unnecessary or over the top, but it needs to be done. He could rely on James and McAfee for moral support less and less, usually getting a “you need to deal with this stuff on your own” in response. From then on out, he’s built wall after wall, hiding the real Payton away from everyone, even himself. He barely remembers the times when he and James would run around playing tag and other games, laughing without a care in the world. His desire to be president was there, but more of a childish dream rather than something he was actively working towards. He doesn't remember the times when a younger Payton would beg his mother to go see Wicked or Hairspray or whatever musical was in the local theater at the time. The Payton who wanted to be president, but would be equally as happy being a dancer or an actor. A child having childish dreams without knowing what he needs to accomplish to get there. 

When was the last he smiled? Truly smiled, not practiced, forced ones he gives to everyone. Yes, as pathetic as it sounds, he’s spent hours just staring into his mirror, practicing smiling so it looked genuine and real. Some parts of him ache when he realizes that no one has noticed that they are fake. 

On the same note, when was the last he cried? The last time he remembers crying was when he was nine and stubbed his toe so hard that it broke. To be fair, Martin and Luther hid a twenty pound weight in a blanket on the floor, so he didn't know it was there. His dad found him sitting on the floor crying, and told him to suck it up. It was a few hours later when Georgina noticed his limp that he went to the hospital and got a cast. Thinking back, his brothers have given him some serious injuries. Once they put razors where he usually stands to get out of bed, cutting up his feet so bad that he needed multiple stitches. One summer, they were all in the pool together and Luther shoved him under the water and kept him there until he passed out. On the only hunting trip Payton went on with them Martin shot him with an arrow. Not to mention the countless times they’ve tried to poison him. If he told a therapist, they would probably say he had some sort of trauma. He would say he’s used to it. When one or even both of them get angry, they’ll find Payton and use him as a human punching bag. But it's okay. Better him than anyone else.

Payton doesn't self harm. He can confirm that with no doubt. He just happens to drop a razor or a pocket knife on his thigh and the scars all just happen to be aligned with each other. No, it isn’t on purpose and yes, it happens to be a coincidence. Self harm isn't a thing a future president can admit to doing. It's disgraceful. He knows he doesnt have anxiety or depression. He refuses to go to a psychiatrist everytime his mom asks him to. (Your afraid that you’ll have to admit you aren’t okay, a voice mutters.) 

He’s fine. He’s okay. 

(No you aren’t, a voice says)

He stands in front of his mirror shirtless. He could count his ribs. When was the last time he ate? His eyebags looked like bruises on his face. He barely sleeps. He could see the exhaustion on his face, usually hidden behind the makeup he wears to hide these things. He feels the fresh cuts sting against his boxers. Bruises were scattered all over his body. Martin was angry yesterday. Payton stares at his reflection. This isn't Payton Hobart. This is just Payton. Real Payton. The one no one wants to see. The mess behind the masks. The one who desperately needs help, but can’t find it out of fear. The one who just wants someone to hug him and say “it’s okay”. Someone to say “you’re okay”. Someone to say “I love you” genuinely. Someone.

Payton feels tears come to his eyes. He quickly wipes them away. No. That's not the Payton people want. So he can’t be that. What is he without the mask version of Payton? Nothing. He’s nothing. Just a complete mess of a person who no one wants to deal with and would be better off dead. 

The thought echoes through his mind.

What if he was dead?

Would anyone be sad? McAfee and James, he honestly doesn't know. They’ve become so distant. Alice wouldn’t be. She’s been with James for awhile, so she can have him when he's gone. His mother would be sad, but she could get over it. His brothers would be rejoicing. Astrid would throw a party knowing that I’m gone. 

Not gone. Dead. 

Payton eyes the pocket knife next to the sink, then to the bottle of ibuprofen in the corner.

It would be so easy to just… disappear.

Maybe he’d see River again.


End file.
